So I've come to a realization. Life is hard.
This past week I've been saying the same things over and over in my head.
"I'm in pain."
"What's happening?"
"Why me? Why me? Why me?"
"Do I really have to deal with this?"
"This is too much to handle."
"I don't know what to do."
"I can't do it."
I'll explain in a bit, but today I was doing some Sunday blog reading and I came across something that struck a chord and helped change my self-wallowing attitude. The blog post read something along the lines of how it's good to be real. These days, especially with social media, it is so easy to sugarcoat everything-- life, marriage, friendships, stress, etc. She explained how her life is much more imperfect than it is perfect {which would in no way reflect on her instagram of 33.2k followers}. As I was reading I felt as if I related with each and every word. Then she stated this:
Life is all about progression.
YES! Upon reading that I instantly looked up why challenges and trials are necessary in life, and to keep it brief, here is the answer.
"No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God ... and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire." -Orson F. Whitney
Challenges and trials are absolutely necessary for the betterment of ourselves. If everything in life were perfect or easy then there would be no advancement, no progression. We are given trails and pain so we can learn to deal with it and not let it drag us down in self-pity! Hah. Definitely something I needed to reflect on today.
Now to back up a bit. This past week has been the most challenging week of my entire life. Emotionally and physically. Due to the fact that this blog is for documentation and that I feel it's good to be real, {also, does anyone actually read this? lol} here's what happened.
I woke up early, early Friday morning in the most excruciating pain. I was shaking, sweating, cramping, short-breathed, nauseous, light-headed. I could barely walk and I had no idea what was going on with my body. In that moment I truly thought it was just shutting down. I didn't know what to do. After about twenty minutes of unbearable pain, it started to subside. I was able to lay down and fall back asleep. To be safe, Jason called a nurse line and they advised I go to the hospital the next day. Let me tell you, I have somewhat of a fear of hospitals and a much bigger fear of needles/IV's/surgery. I've never had to go to the hospital for myself and I did not want this to be the time. I kept trying to talk Jason out of taking me, but of course he wouldn't listen. We got there, my older sister Britta met us, and then began the poking and prodding and testing. Oh, kind of an important detail, we had known for a couple of weeks prior to this that we were expecting. It was a surprise, but we were still so so SO excited to be parents! Due to the circumstances, we had to release the news in a not so fun way while driving to the hospital.
After various doctors, tests, and ultrasounds we finally got some news. My OB doctor told me I had an ectopic pregnancy, meaning the fetus started developing in my fallopian tube. It caused the tube to rupture which led to some internal bleeding. I could not believe what I was hearing. You know when I was telling you about my hospital fears? This specific thing I was TERRIFIED of ever happening to me. I couldn't help but cry as the doctor shared the news. It was extremely hard to hear, not only for me, but for my sweet husband as well. All of our excitement and hope was crippled in a couple of seconds. On top of that, the doctor explained how important it was to start surgery right away because of the bleeding. {If we had waited even a day more to go in to the hospital they said it could have been life-threatening. Thank goodness I have a stubborn husband that worries so much for me!} They rushed me to the operating room and went over anything that could potentially go wrong in the procedure. I understand that it's policy and they need consent, but that is the kind of stuff you do not want to hear right before going into surgery. My heart was beating 100 miles an hour. I was shaking, scared, and so nervous! Before I knew it, I was out like a light and woke up confused and with three incisions. About an hour after the surgery they were wheeling me to the car to go home. Jason can attest that it was the most miserable car ride! Every little bump in the road sent shooting pain through my body. I couldn't bare it.
The days following the hospital were no better. I couldn't help but feel sorry for myself, question everything, complain about the pain, and cry every now and then. Despite that, I had the best people around encouraging me and helping in every way possible. I am SO grateful for my family, and especially my mom. She drove out from Colorado the day after my surgery to make sure she was here in my time of need. The timing of all this was not in my favor since we were moving into our town home the day after my surgery. Thank goodness my mom was here to help unpack, organize, clean, and shop for our new home! If it weren't for her, we would still be struggling to get things in order.
As of now, I'm doing better. Still quite uncomfortable, but not complaining too much ;) I know that this happened for a reason and I am definitely learning from it. The love I have for my husband and family has grown and I can't help but thank my Heavenly Father for allowing me to continue to live this beautiful life of mine. My doctor explained it best. He told me, "There's a reason you have two tubes. Someone much greater and more intelligent than me created you, so you shouldn't worry too much. He knows what He's doing."
Also, Jase and I LOVE our new home and we are so excited for what the future holds!
